shakti rocks

Holiday Spirit-hiding in plain sight

2011-12-12T12:41:00.000-08:00

After work today, I headed to the post office to pick up a package I had missed the delivery of trying to hurry back in time to pick up my son from school.

I jumped out of the car and was slowed by someone walking casually down the steps.

As I entered the post office, I was confronted by a long line of weary 'holiday mailers' all impatiently waiting their turn to post the many packages and cards they carried.

"Hmmm, I thought, this could take some time."

I took a deep breath and exhaled any sense of hurried-ness and sank into the moment at hand with full attention. As I was scanning the line ahead of me and the tired postal workers, an Asian man turned around and opened his eyes with wide surprise and said ,

"Oh, I thought I was the end of the line," then he started laughing a laugh that was so delightful that I found myself laughing as well.

He had a plaid wool fedora , a nice wool coat ,with black pants and sneakers. His face was radiant. His cheekbones were as high as the ceiling and his eyes disappeared when he smiled. There was such enthusiasm emanating out from his being that my breath caught for a moment and then settled.

He continued to look around at all the long faces in the crowd interacting with those close to him with jolly chuckles, but I was the only one who seemed to notice. Everyone seemed to be too married to their own stories of impatience, exhaustion, or resentment to even see, let alone take in, the immense amount of LIGHT that was filling the room.

I couldn't take my eyes off him, he was so luminous and beautiful. When his turn came to approach the counter, he started to joke with the postman who didn't seem to be amused in the slightest, but I was. He placed his package and letters on the counter and was beaming the entire time. It was as if there was some extraordinary thing in that package he was sending and that THIS MOMENT was the best day of his life. He asked the postman if he was ready for Christmas and the postman replied in an abrupt and dull manner , "No".

After about 3 minutes the postman said, " What about you, are you ready?" The man said,

"OH YES! I know exactly what I am asking for this year, I want to be one year younger!" then he started to howl with laughter again and I too began to giggle.

He turned around and smiled at me again and said " You heard me?" I shook my head yes still smiling and we both snickered again.

My turn came and I picked up my package, and I watched the Asian man next to me as he was finishing up his business. He continued to joke about hoping he had enough money to pay for the postage, then opened a little change purse when the postman said it was $10.49.

He dug into the purse and pulled out a 10 dollar bill, then said "Oh Dear"...then poured out all the changed and started to laugh again as he handed the postman exactly 49 cents.

"I can't believe it, he squealed, "the total of all the coins in my purse is exactly 49 cents!" he looked as if he had won the lottery.

We both finished our transactions at the exact same time and walked toward the door together.

" Do you live around here?" he asked.

"Yes", I said smiling.

"Ahhh that is why you are so smart." I missed the connection but he looked as though he KNEW exactly what he meant by it.

As we walked out to the parking lot he stopped me and asked

"How old do you think I am?"

I studied his shiny, smooth skin and his graying hair and guessed,

"60 something?"

I thought he would fall over he was laughing so hard, then he looked right into my eyes and said,

"I am 82 years old!"

As I looked at him again and I could see a stunning amount of KNOWLEDGE in his eyes.

"WOW! I said, what ever you are doing, keep doing it!"

He replied, "I preach the gospel" with a twinkle in his eye.

Then he told me a story about how he had moved to the United States from Korea when he was 53 and went into theological school and was the oldest freshman in his class. He received his PHD from Temple University and has been teaching ever since.

I thanked him for sharing all that he did, and for his beautiful energy, then he took my hand in both of his and said,

"You could understand everything I said," as if that was a miracle and surprising, and then wished me a happy holiday. We gazed into each others eyes for a moment more and it felt like home, there was no self consciousness at all for either of us, just a total recognition of connection. I gave his hand a slight squeeze and we both walked to our cars.

As I stepped into my car it hit me, HUGE waves of bliss filled my heart and everything around me seemed to sparkle. It was MAGICAL, it was the best Christmas present that I could have ever asked for. To be in the company of such a Saint in plain sight that NO ONE else seemed to notice. It was such an affirmation that we can witness miracles and magic when we slow down enough to pay attention to what is given to us, and you never know how those gifts will come..or even where miracles will happen, YES dear Ones...even at the post office!

I am reminded of a quote from Douglas Brooks:

" You never know in what FORM the Lord is coming."

Sending LOVE and Holiday blessings to you all!

STOP The Drama

2011-11-01T13:29:00.001-07:00

I have been watching the mind lately.
Most of the time the mind chatters and we are lost in the dream of a tiny focused square inch of reality..and we are totally oblivious to the world around us..to the beauty of things like Mother Nature.
So much of our day is spent in solitary confinement- we miss out on this spectacular Extraordinary show called LIFE that is being offered as a precious gift, because we are LOST in thought.
A funny paradox is that, when we are lost in this square inch of chirping inner drama, we are choosing an "inner focus." HEY wait a minute, I thought that was what meditation was for? I mean aren't we meant to really FOCUS INSIDE? So what is the problem? LOL!(ok sometimes I crack myself up)

There is nothing "wrong" per se with this half-sighted stance, it is simply part of something bigger..let me say that again, it is simply PART of something BIGGER!

We MISS out on OUR LIVES when we live in this tiny bubble..it is so small, we are ripping ourselves off of a life that is filled with such fantastic variety. Our world in solitary confinement is filled with stories, the same episodes of inner drama that play out over and over and over. Sure we may insert different names, places, and details but the story lines are mostly the same...Blame- 'I would be happy IF he/she/it'; Fear and Isolation-'I don't fit in'; Resentment-'everyone else is happier, prettier, wealthier, has more love, more'..fill in the blank.

While we are in solitary confinement the jaw clenches, the breath is choppy, and the muscles of the body tense- well at least until GRACE/ Goddess slaps us upside the head and we HEAR a bird chirping outside and the bubble pops for a minute and our world expands, our breath releases, and our body relaxes. In that minute..we have a choice..a precious gift is being offered, how long will we stay in the garden of the Heart? Maybe a few seconds- until the reruns start again and we allow ourselves to get sucked back into prison again.

When we are lost in thinking, thinking, thinking, the attention is so small is hard to locate it. Try to locate that contraction in your self..where is it? It is really trippy..go ahead try it? Can you feel it is somewhere around your head..but hard to locate exactly where? When we are in solitary confinement we are not even in our bodies. We don't feel temperature, see colors, shapes, or hear what people around us are saying.
Did you ever notice that allowing our attention to become more expanded, allowing a "feeling/sensing experience" instead of just a "thinking experience" requires more real estate? A more helpful kind of INWARD focus is one that brings us into our senses, into our whole body..breath, fragrance, feeling, sight, hearing, and we slow down enough to experience the More-ness we ARE in a profound way. In Sanskrit the word for senses are Jnanendiyas ( the organs of knowledge) Knowledge..not thinking.

There is a frenetic speed and disconnection of things these days..it is as if the incessant inner chirping has become the way the world is. Or is it that the world is beautiful and sublime, and it is filled with millions of people lost in the lightning speed inner dramas of incessant thinking?
I remember hearing somewhere that is why we are called the human RACE.

Initiation

2011-10-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

In Yoga circles, both contemporary and traditional, there is a lot of talk about Initiation. Some call it Shaktipat which is the decent of Grace into a student in the form of a 'wake-up call'.
There are many ways to receive this WAKE UP call, some claim it can only come from a person who is anchored in the state of the highest connection with their Truest Nature.

The truth is, the 'Awakening Principle' can not be confined to any ONE form. It is the POWER of SEEING/KNOWING who we are underneath all the "packaging". And although many GREAT ones have offered this gift, that Energy has myriads of ways it offers Itself.

Initiation is a beginning, a step, a crossing over a threshold- the place where we peek in the mirror and recognize we are much greater than we "thought" and it happens when Grace/ Shakti/God decides it is the time in the story of Itself (as you) to begin to remember AGAIN. Kind of like finding the car keys you lost, they were there all along, but we just forgot where we put them.

What has been important for me is that my initiation was the beginning. I could go into the stories..they are quite extraordinary and flashy, but they wouldn't have meant anything unless I committed my life to using the gift of that glimpse to fuel my courage to go deeper, to work, to begin to open up to LIVING the TRUTH of what I experienced.

My whole life went to hell in a hand bag after the "Honey Moon", but I had this shining spark inside me that I remembered and this was the torch that lit my way through the mire of letting go of lifetimes of garbage and misunderstandings.

I feel it is WHAT you do with the gift..there are many gifts in life that we ignore, or put on a shelf. I also see that it would be easy to become 'addicted' to the HIGH of the hit of that powerful recognition..and seek the thrill instead of doing the work. We cannot look for someone or something out there to give us the wake up... it doesn't work that way. That would be like receiving a gift for your birthday and tossing it in the garbage and then putting your hand out for another gift before you even opened the first one.
So this begs a question, how many Shaktipat/ initiation experiences do we "need?"

A great teacher of mine, Shri Mahant Baba Rampuri Ji recently told me, 'the Guru (Awakening Principle) is like going to the gas station, it fills up your tank, but YOU have to go out and drive the car, you have to DO something'...sooner or later we have to walk the walk.

When our LIVES become a living offering of the gift we received, then the miracles really start to happen, then we are LIVING our life, not merely CHASING it.

CANCER: Holding Each Other in the Highest

2011-06-02T12:35:00.000-07:00

When I was picking up my little guy from kindergarten the other day, I got out of my car as usual to have a chat with another mom and a good friend I have known for many, many years. She recently moved back to this area after years out West and it had been sweet catching up on life. Anyway, she approached me and told me straight up that she had just been diagnosed with cancer. "FUCK" was the first thing that came out of my mouth followed by hugs and tears between us both.

She is now the 4th dear one in the last year and 1/2 that has had this diagnosis. I started to ask myself. What can I do to support her and others dealing with this right now? Of course the healing work I do comes to mind but how can it be improved? Then I had an insight after watching a conversation about a non-duality approach to PsycoTherapy.

This is what hit me; as soon as someone is diagnosed with cancer, the cancer is a THING you have that you have to FIGHT and get rid of. It is the enemy and ALL YOUR FOCUS goes to it. You basically BECOME CANCER itself. There is no YOU anymore, all thoughts are about cancer and it's treatment, all emotions are about cancer and it's treatment. Even how we approach someone who had been diagnosed is often.. . 'my friend so and so ..who is fighting cancer. '

But in my yoga practice I know that who we really are is the Supreme Being. The authentic Self is not sick, is not flawed, is not "fighting anything." The authentic Self is perfect, RIGHT NOW.

What would happen if we could approach everyone from this highest perspective? What if I approach my friends with this always FIRST? That there is nothing intrinsically "wrong" ?

We know and have heard time after time that "what you think is what you get" Then isn't thinking about cancer all day long and "fighting cancer" and talking about cancer, placing creative POWER into the very thing we don't want?

What would happen if the focus went to LIVING. To dropping the "I have cancer" or I have a friend who has cancer" story all together and we just went through life enjoying the heck out of it. If sensations came up, or fear came up we could be supported in drawing our awareness back into your authentic SELF....BEING ALIVE! Ride the waves as they hit without creating a sharp focus on it.?

I am not saying don't get treatment. I am simply asking about how to hold others in the perfection of who they REALLY ARE instead of in a label. Could treatment happen but not be the main focus?

The body will some day die...YES, this is a given. In the meantime, can we shift the way we hold ourselves, and each other? Can we choose to see each other as PERFECT forms of the Divine Spirit? What if we didn't waiver from that? What if all the sub stories that come and go did just that..come and go, but we stood firm in the conviction of looking at the flawless SELF peering out through all eyes?

Patanjali..been there, done that?

2011-03-06T04:49:00.000-08:00

I always get re-inspired every time I teach another weekend of the 100 hour Anusara yoga immersion program at my studio. Funny thing is I get probably just as much out of teaching than the students, and definitely have at least as much fun.

We had an introduction to Patanjali this weekend. Mostly focusing on the second chapter on sadhana (spiritual practice). This chapter really hits home for most students because it is something they can relate to. What I enjoy is that instead of just focusing on social restraints that up hold a kind of order( laws that are designed to hopefully keep total mayhem from breaking out ) we are invited to take a deeper and more subtle look at the inner workings of thought, emotion and the actions that arise from these.

The socio-political laws that we are bound to and uphold (or we will pay consequences like end up in jail) are meant to be in place to keep a lot of people with very different ideas about life and belief systems living together in some kind of harmony. Yet as we look around the world we see that these structures are being broken all the time and indeed there IS MAYHEM!

So the questions always arises in this section of teaching from students "well, what can we DO about all this suffering in the world?"

This is were the subtleties of the ethical precepts of Patanjali come in handy. And although we could say that at first glance these seem pretty obvious..meaning some of us learned a lot of the "thou shalt nots" in kindergarten and so can lead to a "been there done that attitude"...still, as beings on path of self discovery, these precepts are inviting us to a deeper look at ourselves.

If we want to live in peace and joy, we are going to have to take a good look at the very things that block that. Perhaps we feel we already live easily honoring ahimsa(non harming) (The first yama which is said to "hold" all the other yamas and niyamas) at least outwardly, meaning we are not desiring or intentionally causing physical harm to others. And yet we do. Every time we take a breathe we are killing organisms and even the Jains who sweep the road as they walk in an effort to not step on a living organism, are killing something.

This fact could lead one to a feelings of hopless-ness, but when we look at how the yamas and niyamas thread together we see that satya( what is true and valuable) sits next to ahimsa which sits next to asteya (nonstealing) ect ect. These are meant to be seen as a kula- as a community or sets. They balance each other out. They keep us from being "stolen" (asteya) by our values (satya) and to remember that letting go (aparigraha) has to happen in order for us to walk in what is infinite(bramacharya).

Eventually this desire to not harm, moves from the outer gross world and reflects back into how the "outer" harm/violence is really just a refection of the inner harm or "inner terrorist." You know who I am talking about, the one who likes to tear you down and point out ALL the things wrong with you? The merciless judge/ critic whispering over your shoulder all the time?

So HOW are we going to "save" the world "out there" when it is just the reflection of what is going on "in here"?

This is what Patanjali offers us, a clear (saucha) place to use our effort (tapas) for the deep contemplation, of real self-study (svadyaya) and begin to have a true devotion, service and respect for our selves as forms of Supreme Divinity (ishvarapranidan) All the time, being content(santosha) at the end of each day knowing we did the best job we could to offer our gifts and live fully.

This continual process of growth opens us to take our seat (asana)in LOVE. We begin to enjoy the wonderful unfolding of our own blooming. Our courage to look at what blocks us from living in joy and the process of shifting it by effort and GRACE has a ripple effect to the outer reaches of the cosmos..no matter how small it may seem. This is how we shift "the world."As the inner reflection changes so does the outer reflection..that's just the way it works.

The Mirror

2010-12-05T07:04:00.000-08:00

I was watching one of the “Universe films” that start with a view of mountains and then pans out slowly until you are watching the outskirts of the “knowable” universe about 1 million light years away from our earth. As I was watching it I was having two simultaneous feelings.

The first was of total AWE at the sheer magnitude of this exquisitely, infinitely expanding cosmos coupled with a light hearted perspective that can come when observing “yourself” from such a vast perspective. To see myself as just an infinitesimally small spec of light amidst this vast unknowable expanse gave an immediate release of any “thought” about how seemingly important any neurosis or “problem” I may be identifying with is. LOL!

The second was an experience that there is an Awareness that is experiencing all this that is recognizing this cosmos as not separate from itself in any way. That this UNKOWABLE and mysterious Universe is still just a part of my own Awareness –ZOINKS!

I sat down in the kitchen on this cold 30 degree day staring outside at the bare trees. As I was staring out the window at the trees appreciating their once secreted form now fully revealed in their nakedness, I was struck by the immediate alignment of the sway of the trees and my own breath. As I softened more and more by this hypnotic sway of my breath and the trees “breath”, a beautiful shift of perspective occurred. Ahhh, I am looking at my bronchial system. As I studied the large branches moving into more and more intricate patterns of smaller extensions, there was a knowing that arose. This is my very own self, right infront of me…I don’t need to go to an anatomy book to study my lungs, here they are larger than life. In fact they are the perfect mirror, and like a mirror in it’s reflection an image is flipped just slightly. I felt this “flip” in how my lungs breathe in oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide as the trees breathe in carbon dioxide and exhale oxygen.

Then the streams are my vascular system and the Ocean is my heart…HOLY COW! There is the most powerful resource of Self Knowledge surrounding me. But like perhaps most humans, I kept thinking that the truth was in books. Not to say books are not amazing gifts, still I was experiencing something sooooooooo obvious that I had missed it..here is a huge key right staring me in the face.

In this very body I am experiencing a doorway between the knowable and unknowable, from the manifest to the unmanifest.

WOW!

Burn Baby Burn

2010-09-05T09:29:00.000-07:00

"BURN Baby BURN"....

I have always loved these lyrics from the 70's group 'The Trammps', although I now replace the 'disco inferno" part to yoga inferno :)

For some time now I have been experiencing just that- BURNING. I am not speaking about a passing

intensity that comes and goes when we are on the path of yoga, but a BLAZING SHAKTI FIRE with such intensity

that I swear fire is going to blow out of my mouth- I feel like a dragon most days! ( no I am not going through early menopause!)

My breath literally feels like the inside of a volcano and for those of you who know me well know,

I am ALWAYS cold so this is not the norm.

I have resorted to sticking my head in the freezer, soaking my feet in cold water and placing icey cold

objects on the back of my neck , head and back, thrashing around, dancing, crying, laughing and almost anything to have a little reprieve. Some times I even ask friends to feel my skin and they sometimes say it feels cool- "WHAT?" I say in disbelief, "Can't you feel how hot I am?" Clearly the fire is internal and subtle and yet feels so physical.

The first real 'shakti fire' I ever experienced was when I was with my Guru about 8 years ago. I remember one time in particular that I was sure I was sick, I must have had a fever but when I took my temperature it was normal. Eventually some friends found me and stuck me in a cold shower and made me sit on the grass and eat yogurt. I burned for 24 hours so intensely I was sure I would die- (hahah well part of me was doing just that but it wasnt a physical death.) It was then I learned some little tricks on cooling the fire a bit by eating sweet juicy fruit and yogurt and even chocolate and watching funny movies.

That intensity was followed by a huge expansion of Awareness that eventually settled down a bit.

The most recent shakti fire I have been going through is a daily thing now and has been many many months in duration. I am writing about it because perhaps this will be helpful if any one else is going through this or does at some point.

I feel that in order for me to have True and continued Darshan with my SELF, there must be a sacrifice, and this sacrifice is the burning away of everything that stands in the way of living in the Truth of my own Awareness.

Is this burning pleasant? NOPE! Does it serve a purpose? YES!

The more that burns away in this process, the less work hopefully for others in the future, for I feel that every sacrifice we are willing to make not only serves us but everyone and everything.

There is also something about being willing to throw ourselves into the Fire of Grace. We of course can just stand back and simmer a little, or avoid the fire in order to stay cozy and cool and stuck for the most part. I have already done that for many life times and so Now is as good as any to just go for it. :)

Some may say that the FIRE will come looking for you so why go out of your way to find it. I see that The Fire is always there but we have to CHOOSE to hurl ourselves in again and again. The process of what happens while we burn is not up to "us" -that is HER job.

I am ever so grateful I am surrounded by such great support and love. By such a sweet and "cooling" kula that I take refuge in when it feels like it is too much.

Ashes to ashes, we all fall down!

Out Beyond Ideas

2010-07-13T11:39:00.000-07:00

I was in the studio last night during the luscious rain storm when the sky opened and poured its blessings down on the parched earth. I could picture the farmers jumping up and down with joy as the drought that nearly destroyed them was feeding their crops.

I was crank’in some good tunes before my students arrived for their Monday night ritual of asana, chanting, and meditation, when I was struck by a song playing. The lyrics were from a Rumi poem. I was singing the song really loudly when all of a sudden a meaning on a more subtle level hit me, and tears started to fall.

The poem being sung was “ Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field I’ll meet you there”.This has always been one of my fav’s. There has always been a kind of romantic twist to it for me, perhaps because Rumi is a mad lover of God and so am I :), but tonight it was different.

I had just had a very challenging conversation with someone earlier in the day and was left with a “double kick you in the gut from a horse” kinda feeling. Or at least this was the initial sensation. I remember watching the contraction and pain as it was vibrating through my body and being present with the whole process. Watching my mind wanting to create a story about it by going into a victim or justified resentment role and just choosing to stand back a little. And even as I was trying to engage in a way that was more conscious I still felt like I was holding onto something,..onto a “I am right he is so wrong” kind of an attitude.

Then I heard the ‘out beyond ideas’ song and it crushed me. It crushed my need to be right and my need to feel separate and superior right there and then- SQUASH-ouch!

Tears of the Truth poured out as layers of contraction were clearing.

I really felt in that moment that regardless of how we all perceive the world, in the deepest space, there is a field were we are ALL the same Essence. Now this may seem like a no-brainer to a lot of you, like 'yeah..how many years have we been studying this Truth? I mean come on, right? Duh?'

Still, in that moment, I was EXPERIENCING purely, without ideas, the FIELD. In that Recognition, in that pure experience of the Truth of what was being sung, I KNEW that the person I was fighting with and I were indeed the SAME SELF. And in that moment the veil of separation dropped, and all suffering ended, and I was left with only love-just pure LOVE and COMPASSION.

What a gift, what a pouring down of blessings onto the parched and dry space my heart had been in. In that moment, I didn’t need to fake it any more, I didn’t need to try and “be my future self now,” it just was.... and Grace was raining into me.

The next day after work I received a letter from that person who I had fought with the day before who now was attempting to open a communication. WOW, this was such a rare occurance in this particular relationship. I was struck again at the power of ultimately holding the Awareness of connection even amidst difference. And even if someone, on a relative level, cannot or chooses not to meet others in that space of connection, I can still continue to practice and watch as things unfold in sometimes seemingly miraculous ways.

“Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing, there is a field, I’ll meet you there”

love Michelle

Pure Awareness-the scent of honeysuckle

2010-06-08T05:17:00.000-07:00

I have noticed something quite astounding, something soooooooo subtle yet so profound it has sparked the desire to share it in a new blog ( and it has been awhile-J.)

I have been meditating for some years now and there has been what I would call a radical shift in my practice. I used to sit down and follow a kind of structure to “get into meditation”, this structure would often include mantra repetition, breathing exercises, postural adjustments and so on. After some time, if I was fortunate, I would glide into the deep ocean of Awareness and then emerge back into “normal” waking consciousness.

Now there has been a shift that I barely even noticed til recently. So often we don’t recognize the Truth til we turn around and look.

The shift is, instead of meditating to “glide eventually” into Awareness, I find I am already “THERE”, and the supports like posture, breath, and mantra have mysteriously dropped away.

When this first started to occur I remember thinking, “Hey what is wrong with me..where is my mantra? I am not doing my practice 'right'.” Although when I checked in with my inner state it was very peaceful and happy. As I looked more closely, I saw how the mantra and practices had absorbed so deeply into my cells that the vibration was now constantly pulsing. Now, as soon as I sit…there “I” am (hahahahaha). In fact, even when I don’t sit formally, “I” am there.

I was trying to find words to describe what happens when we do a practice for a long, long time and build up a kind of momentum when I was teaching this past weekend. In the process we arrive at many “stations” and then eventually with really almost no effort at all we can rest there.

This “resting” is a result of a combination of years of devoted effort ,or practice, and of the mystery of Grace.We don't rest there stagnating, there is no "there" to arrive. We simply have no interest in not steeping in Awareness.

So, why still meditate? I meditate to savor the nectar of Awareness that is always there -I meditate because I LOVE to.

I meditate not so much to re-discover Awareness anymore, but it is more like hanging out with your best friend-your deepest SELF. It is just something I love to do..like spending a little more focused quiet time with your beloved..like sitting on the porch together just being in nature.

Now Awareness is like the scent of an intoxicating flower that is gently wafting in the air. The scent is always there, and I am smelling its perfume throughout the day, and it is a scent I can’t forget, in fact the scent just keeps getting more intoxicating!

So now when I formally meditate, it is like pausing to REALLY smell that scent for a long time. For instance, when I go on a walk at this time of year, I smell the honey suckles outside where I live that are in bloom, and sometimes I just want to stop and really get a NOSE FULL.

The reason I am sharing this is because for me this shift has been so gradual, so seemingly imperceptible, and yet so profound. It is also delightful and amusing, and I often feel myself giggling over the ever-present “smell of honeysuckle” and can’t even imagine what not smelling it would be like. It just IS.

I also share this because so often we are looking for some "big bang" experience that alters our perception dramatically and yet that has not been the case for me solely. YES, when I first met my Guru I had some big bang experiences, however over the years following, the seeping in of these initial awakenings have been quiet and slow and even painful. In fact, I was so sure I was supposed to have more “big bang” experiences that I thought I was "failing" in my sadhana or spiritual practice. With that limited view, I missed what was going on in the process of my growth.

I know there is always more growth and expansion, there is no end to Awareness, so I hope you all will join me in continuing to practice my dear friends. We ARE growing in our experience of Awareness in every moment. And more than anything- let's not forget to slow down and smell the honeysuckle!

With love

Michelle

Yet Another Chance

2010-03-12T10:24:00.000-08:00

Ok I have a confession to make..haha. When I started on this journey there is no way I could have possibly imagined just what I was getting myself into in the most profoundly expanded and painful way.

This process of yoga, of living every moment with Consciousness to the best of my ability, is not for the faint of heart! Still, I have to say that since I began and made a commitment I have never stopped to rest on my growth or quit from pain.

Perhaps this is due to the fact that my dear mom who died 15 years ago on March 9^th, was a shining example to move forward with the Current of life and to keep growing no matter what. She lived it and I was lucky enough to watch her up close and personal moving through one experience after another, and on top of it, she never stopped laughing.

Camatkara baby! (WOW and there is always more!) It is stunning the multi layers of samskara. These imprints that have marked us through life times, collective momentum in certain areas that may not serve us or others. Just as the practice of meditation and the experiences of the inner world are infinitely unfolding, so seem to be the threads of karma.

It is fascinating to see that just when you “thought” you were done working through something (haha) another layer arises. And as more and more subtle levels of contraction arise the same question arises as well “OK, what are you going to do with THIS one?” meaning, ok Michelle are you gonna quit now? Is this the place where pain and fear are gonna swallow you whole?

Well not yet. Why? Because every time I have been stopped dead in my tracks by another awareness of identification with patterns that are fruitless, I keep trudging. Because I remember the last time I made it to the other side and there was so much freedom in the choice to let it go..to really SURRENDER it to The Highest Self – and PRAY for the courage to keep moving forward.

So here I am again at the deepest place of contraction..my dear old friend .."I am unlovable and unworthy”-sounds familiar? It is so wild that the small self keeps leaving itself out. It feels easy to love others, to be compassionate, to see the Light and perfection in them, as if they were somehow “not me.” And yet just as I see them “outside" of myself, I am forgetting to see myself outside of myself. Meaning there is only one subject looking out at ALL as it’s own reflection, and that includes “me”. It is only the small self that keeps forgetting this. So as my great teachers have taught me, I again step forward with their wisdom at my back and a brighter future calling me forward.

Every time I find myself cringing and tripping, I remember again that I am NOT doing this work for myself alone. Every time I CHOOSE to re-align with my Highest Self and embrace the next thing life offers with courage and light heartedness I feel better, my 5 year old son is shifted, my kula is shifted, and the world is shifted. It is this intimate entanglement that makes it even more important to keep moving “onward and upward”.

So as one of my teachers suggested, “ Michelle, the love you feel when you look at your son, hold that feeling of love, then look at yourself in the mirror and see yourself in the same way.”

Now this is WORK! And..... I am willing to do it.

A Delicate Balance

2009-11-27T11:06:00.000-08:00

I have noticed a pattern in regards to emotions. When an intense emotion is triggered, the first response is to RUN..retreat…or hurl myself into thought which is simply another contraction and takes me out of the experience of pure emotion. Also on a even more subtle level, I may feel intense emotional contraction and escape into witness consciousness.

These are ways that I have avoided the intense sensation of emotion that stem from post traumatic stress from my childhood.

Since this is ALL Shakti’s play and She is the only actress, then these intense emotions are part of that play and there is a reason for them. The reason is HEALING.

The healing happens fastest when I TRUST Shakti enough to stay in the intense emotion and sensation in my body, just feel it and acknowledge that small Michelle is not able to heal these recurring samskaras, only God can. So I ask Shakti to help “me” stay PRESENT and be open to the feeling the energy in my body and all that entails until Shakti decides to expand it back into itself.

As soon as Michelle thinks she has to “figure this out” and “make the Right decision” the suffering increases, the contraction gets tighter and I again am lost in identification of being the “doer” again.(karma mala)

Allowing the contraction of emotion to melt, soften and or expand back into the pure energy SUPPORTS the healing process.

Then if thoughts arise or insights from this place of allowing I am led to another piece of the puzzle. The difference is, it is offered from a deep place of LOVE. This LOVE is everything and always present and yet if I am HOLDING onto contraction by avoiding it or prolonging it by creating stories, I miss the big upward shift.

Shakti is deciding to experience herself through this process of waking up and healing in the from of Michelle. Her deepest desire is to align my individual will with her WILL again and again and again until the recognition that There ONLY IS HER WILL is the state of Awareness. Shakti in the form of Michelle can choose how to respond to the play as it is unfolding.

rubber band man

2009-11-18T12:34:00.000-08:00

Lately I have had the great boon of hanging out in the company of a teacher who lives in what I would call a VERY expanded (enlightened) state.

I notice that by sheer proximity I begin to expand into a more truthful state of expansion myself. The LIGHT of my true heart takes over the small identification of "me-ness" and I am immersed in LOVE. Then at some point whether it is minutes or months later, what I call the “rubber band” effect occurs. This is when you seemingly move from expanded Consciousness back into "normal consciousness" and it “feels” even more contracted due to the contrast you were just experiencing.

I have this picture of the Kanchukas -the “clothing” of Consciousness- being too small for us once we experience moments of the fullness of the highest Self. I am cracking up picturing myself trying to put on my little 5 year olds pants and wondering “why they FEEL so uncomfortable!” It is sooooooo funny!

And yet the TRUTH is that the expansion we experience is still with us and IS us- we are changing every moment, every moment we are “new”- we have changed , we have grown. And yet we buy the story about who we “think” we are (which is really just being stuck in the past) and completely ignores the fact that we HAVE expanded.

Identifying with the "old little i" is simply a habit. All the time our highest Self is saying, "Hey..check it out, here is a closet FULL of new clothes", and is repeating this every moment! In fact, there are infinite closets being offered filled with clothes to fit our moment to moment expansion and yet we continue to reach for that same small pair of pants.

I have been having fun with this TRUTH in my breathing…every time I come back to the space at the end of the exhale and rest in the Hrdaya- that space of the heart, the more expanded it is. Just like the literal changes that happen with every breath..ie: we are breathing new particles of air and our bodies are shifting in every moment. We are being constantly restructured from a cellular standpoint. So the play for me is can I be aware and open to this reality..can I REALLY allow myself to be a new person NOW. The more I allow what already IS- the happier I am and even the gruesome is delightful.

Blessings

Michelle

Our Greatest Asset

2009-09-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

I was on a walk yesterday afternoon to clear my head. I had been having a heavy day and needed to immerse myself in nature so I could expand back into an easy access of Consciousness. Before I left, I grabbed my camera-something that I never do- and then went out.

I am very, very fortunate in that I can step outside of my house and walk into immediate beauty. The lush surroundings have become my haven in the most challenging times when it "feels" like I am on an uphill battle releasing reactions to contracting thoughts and emotions.
Even in the worst of times I have been able to experience an eternally peaceful Presence just behind the curtain of mind chatter when I am in nature. I always remember my dear Guru saying 'We need to nurture Nature as Nature nurturers us...without Nature this world is plastic, it has no rasa (no juicy-ness).

While I was walking I could feel the silence of nature surrounding me, cradling me in it's vast arms of love and intelligence. As I passed by huge trees, I was reminded that they have seen a lot of life. They have stood steady through out myriads of dramas, comings and goings, life and death, and still they grow and expand and dance in the ever-changing winds through all seasons.

When I reached a cloister I often walk through that is filled with delicate gardens, I sat down. In front of me were exquisite carved stone pillars and arches that opened into the center garden and more pillars and arches were mirrored on the other side and even still another smaller arched window in a stone wall opened out into a vast array of trees outside of the cloister.
As I stared through these sets and sets of arches, I noticed I was being pulled inward as well. It was as if I was walking through the inner doorways of my own Consciousness. I was hypnotized with the beauty and soon closed my eyes and listened to the songs and humming of life surrounding me.

"How can I nurture nature?" I thought. "Is offering my love, adoration, and full attention to Nature nurturing? Is taking pictures of the beauty I see around me and sharing that with others nurturing to Nature?" These questions swirled through my awareness as I sat there.
Hope filled my heart as I thought "If the perfect forms of beauty surrounding me are forms of Supreme Consciousness, then surely they can feel my gratitude". As it was time to go, I bowed to the plants and trees in Namaste.
Walking back home I continued to thank Nature for sustaining me in deep and mysterious ways.

August 15th

2009-08-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

August 15th is the anniversary of the Spiritual Initiation that Baba Muktananda received from his beloved Guru Bhagavan Nityananda in 1947. Baba was the Guru of Gurumayi Chidvilasananda who is presently the living spiritual leader of the Siddha yoga lineage.
Why is this date important to me?
In the mid 90’s I went through a series of very significant life changes. A long- term relationship ended and this painful transition was immediately followed by the death of my mom. This excruciating time became the fertile ground that nurtured a massive shift in my spiritual practice.
I had been practicing yoga for about 8 years and the new pain I was experiencing motivated me to go deeper into my search for answers. What was the point of my life?
Where was God? Why was I here? I was hungry like I had never been before.
This hunger led me to going deeper into my inner practices of meditation. I knew I needed a teacher to help guide me, so I began to search for someone.
I initially had some formal meditation study in Tantric Buddism. I also had been reading and attending lectures by Deepak Chopra for many years and even received a mantra and initiation from the Chopra Institute. Still I was hungry, and restless as I knew I hadn’t found my teacher. The yoga asana I was seriously studying at that time had also lost it’s juice. I knew I had outgrown it, I felt lost.
And then in one day my life changed.
I went to a friend’s yoga class and she read an excerpt from a new spiritual course she had just found. As she read a quote, I felt a deep stirring in my heart like nothing I had felt before. I knew in that moment that the answers I had been looking for were inside me the whole time-I felt the perfection of my deepest self.
That quote was by Baba Muktananda from a Siddha yoga meditation course. I immediately signed up for the course and devoured every word and practice for the next 6 months.
On one cold January morning, inspired by the writings about these Siddha yoga Gurus, I drove 4 hours to South Fallsburg, New York to the Siddha Yoga ashram for a Shaktipat Intensive.
I remember that day so clearly. I remember thinking-‘what am I doing driving up to this ashram by my self, am I nuts?’
When I arrived I was struck by the immense amount of energy I felt walking in. I was also freaked out, because there were these massive photos everywhere of these Indian saints.
I sat in the large hall awed by it’s beauty trying to follow the unfamiliar rituals and sanskrit chants. Then truly one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen entered the hall. It was Gurumayi. The way she walked in was so graceful and yet powerful- almost regal. She gave a profound talk, we chanted, and I was immersed in a sea of universal power. Many tears flowed that day. Tears of the joy of recognition, and tears of clearing out old ideas.

Gurumayi kept talking about Baba Mukananda, her Guru, the whole time. I remember looking at his absolutely massive photo on the wall to the left of her. He was this dark Indian man in an orange robe with a beard staring at me-actually staring THROUGH me. He was a little scary at the time. At the end of the program I was instructed to stand in this long line because I was new. As I stood in line I could see everyone was being given something.
When I got to the front I was given a photograph, the same one on the wall, of Baba Muktananda and it also had a mantra on it- Om Namah Shivaya.
I headed back 4 hours silently in the car.
I knew that Gurumayi was my teacher from that moment on. But I wasn’t sure about why I had received this photo of Baba-why didn’t I get a photo of Gurumayi?
2 days after I was home I was casually talking on the phone with a friend , looking at this picture I had been given that I had placed on a wall by my bed, when- Kaboooooooom!-a vast serge of energy began to build inside me. I abruptly got off the phone and proceeded to be pulled into hours of the most amazing wild meditation experience I had ever had.
This was Shaktipat ( my initiation). I received it from a picture!
It has been 12 years since that time. That truly profound life changing experience has unfolded in more and more miraculous ways over the years. Every year I feel more grateful for the gifts I have received from Gurumayi ,Baba Muktananda and the entire Siddha yoga lineage.
Baba Muktananda commissioned the translation of all my favorite Tantric scriptural texts into English. He headed the mediation explosion that took place in the 70’s and changed the West forever.
It was through Siddha yoga at another meditation intensive with Gurumayi that I met my other extremely significant teacher-John Friend.Today just so happens to be Anusara yoga's 12th birthday.
Happy Birthday everyone in this shree kula!
Om Guru Om

The Necessity for a Teacher

2009-07-11T14:40:00.000-07:00

Boy it can get really confusing in this time of spiritual growth movements. We are being bombarded with self-help and how to become enlightened material online.
So much is available now. So many books, and so much yoga out there!!
The Consciousness of the world is evolving at greater and greater speeds. We are so lucky to be alive at this powerful explosion of expansion, and yet as the Divine CALL to go deeper is fanning the flame of our yearning, which way do we go, I mean do we need a teacher if we are the SELF?
Some would say no we don’t need a teacher if we can just trust the inner guidance of the True Teacher within. Hmmm. That may be the case for some, but has not been the case for me.
If it were that easy, everyone would be living in a higher state of awareness and if we look around clearly that is NOT the case. I am embodied as well as absolute, and the embodied part of me needs HELP from another embodied form of the Divine- it is way easier that way.
So how can we grow if we REALLY are ready to commit fully to our spiritual growth?
Where is our teacher?
I believe a lot if that is karma- who our teachers are, and also the process of seeking will lead us to the next teacher that will give us support to go through the next step on the path.
I found my teacher 11 years ago. Interestingly enough, my physical relationship with my teacher changed about 6 years ago. I was no longer able to be in their physical presence.
Many students go through this experience, they finally find their teacher and then they die. Although this was not exactly what happened in my case, access to their physical presence was no longer being offered.
After grieving that loss and trying to find a place for it, I continued with all the practices I had been given, as if my teacher were still present. Still, there was a longing that would creep up here and there.
On one level the Presence of my teacher is always with me and that is very clear, however as I move through my journey I have had so many questions. Questions that no one seemed to able to answer. I have dedicated years and years to scriptural study and still, so many things left a huge set of mysteries which led to experiencing deep loneliness at times.
After 6 years of what I would say have been the hardest years of my spiritual practice so far, something shifted. A teacher came into my life and I had this knowing about it- a big YES! Grace led me to someone that was CLEARLY ahead of me on the path and was available to mentor me.
There is not a moment that goes by that I am not filled with gratitude for this teacher who lovingly shares guidance and life experience and who calls my mind on the stuff that gets in the way of moving farther along into the great ocean of Conscious Awareness.
Without the guide of someone who is further along, we can get lost in our own delusions of grandeur and failure. We need this clear mirror to see the truth. That’s why we are not the only ones living here. We are here to help each other grow.
There will always be someone “ahead” teaching you and someone “behind” you are teaching- that the way it works.
What seems clear is that Divine Presence is calling for our courage to keep growing so the world can go to the next level. The Divine Presence is also available in many forms to help us a long the way!
Again the question arises, with so many teachers out there, how do you know who to trust???
Well, first, remember they are human as well as Divine .

1.Be clear with what you are asking for. Just because they know about spiritual things they may not be able to give you advice on how to fix your car or how to be a better parent.

2.See if they themselves are doing the practices or have done them for a long time.
Teaching from experience is the only authentic way to teach, so take your time and check them out.

3.Also remember, they may be there only for a little part of your journey, even to lead you to the next teacher.

4. Ultimately any form of the Divine is a guide to help you reach the formless guide with in.

In a wild way what I have experienced is that my recent teacher has created a kind of bridge to my Guru, even though I am not in my Gurus physical presence, I feel the Presence of that relationship more than ever!

Failure or Freedom?

2009-07-04T13:59:00.000-07:00

I am going to share something that is difficult to make clear as I am limited by language in many ways, but here it goes.
I have been noticing how strange it often seems when I can be so “sure” that “nothing” is happening on the journey of growth because ALL I can focus on is what the mind tells me is true.
Recently it became apparent that my “certainty” about my “failure” on my path was shattered in a single moment of clarity. This clarity was then supported by David Hawkins book on reality and subjectivity.
I had a concept that if I were making “progress” I would not have any anger/ pride/ fear ect., ect. ever come up and the fact that I was annoyed was “proof” that I was failing as a spiritual seeker.
What I now see is that as my “collection of karmas” began to slow down due to a deep desire for growth and experiencing the TRUTH, I was acutely aware of them.
This “slowing down” was then experienced in slow flashes of the minds concepts, and attachment, ie: “I am not worthy.”
I also saw that years ago, before the momentum of strength was built from doing years of steady practice, life was a seeming stream of continuous flow of drama, feeling, thought, ect. This seeming flow I experienced as “my life.”
When the primordial question arose- “who am I”, I gained access to the experience that the seeming continuous flow I identified as “my life” was really just flashes, or pictures being flashed onto the inner screen of a greater Awareness. This new truly steady continuous flow revealed itself as Self ,the Essence of everything, onto which those flashes were being “projected”.
The closer I get to the Essence , the slower the projector gets, and I am able to see the thoughts, concepts, and attachment in up close, and in slow motion.
As this “karmic momentum” slows down I observe what seems like being stuck in the frame of that picture. I see the issues so clearly and this can be very overwhelming. It is overwhelming because the mind has attached success or failure on to the process of growth. With this understanding I can renew my courage and persistence and continue with the practices without identifying with any labels about success or failure, but simply become aware that it is by GRACE that these frames “slow down” so I can in those moments of seeing the things that don’t serve me or others, choose freedom, and therefore surrender the thoughts, feelings, ect to our inmost Self.
It also means that as the karmic patterns slow down, MOMENTUM of ever present LOVE of the Self is building and available just behind the so called “cloud” of seeming failure.

So the more “painful” in some ways things seem due to my recognition of minds patterns, I can in that moment remember that this is not “my” mind, but “mind in general” or “collective mindness”, one part of the manifest Essence, and that these patterns are being presented in technicolor so I can shift my awareness to the continuous flow and origin of all POWER.
I can let go of the content and expand into a bigger context. In that space I see that so much MORE is going on than the mind will ever be able to comprehend and therefore rededicate myself to the desire and commitment for growth and service. It also call me to step into a deeper TRUST in the process.

The Anatomy of Karma- in a nutshell

2009-05-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about karma lately after a few weeks of emotional dialogue coming from my 4 year old insisting that he is NOT DIABETIC! I have listened and acknowledged his feelings and held the space for him if he wanted to say more. Clearly he has been trying to process the ways he is different from the rest of his classmates. We finally had a breakthrough the other day when he started the daily conversation or rather proclamation that he wasn’t diabetic. Then again holding the space for him I asked, is there anything else you want to tell momma? He said with a quivering lip, “Momma I don’t WANT TO BE diabetic”. We both cried and I held him for a long time. A four year old can’t possibly make sense of why he has diabetes and others don’t. What do you say? Yes sweet heart this is your karma? That helps me but certainly not him and it may not til he is much, much older. So I hold the truth of what makes sense to me for both of us til he can search and hopefully find an explanation that he can live with.

From the Tantric perspective there is an interesting relationship between karma; the energy that hold us to accountability, causality, and consequences giving us a structure we can count on in the world, and lila. Lila allows the universe to be random and playful. This playfulness weaves into the ordered structure of cause and effect and offers surprises, sometimes great ones, and sometimes painful ones.

Just like the layers of our experience and our yoga practice, karma has many levels of subtlety to it:
Robert Svabhodas writing on karma first sparked a deeper interest into a subject I was over simplifying. My interest was again awakened by a recent article I read by Lind Johnson on karma.
I was reminded of the layers of karma.
Types of karma:
Prarabdha –The consequences of actions you performed in previous life-times, destined to play out in this life.
Kriyamana- The karma you’ve generated since taking birth in your present body
Adhyatmika- the karma you create as an individual
Adhibhautika the karma created by groups of people) ie: your family, community and nation)
Adhidaivika- The cyclic destiny of the Earth itself and its natural forces (eg: volcanoes, tornadoes, earthquakes)

Your kriyamana karma or focused efforts in the present alter the flow of your destiny. Also adhibhautika and adhidaivika can over ride your personal karma like with the global economy or a tsunami.
The strength of your karmas also come in levels from mild ( with some awareness you can shift it)to medium (with steady long practice and dedication you can shift it) to absolutely solid and certain of occurring hot karma- ( only “the lucky” can shift this kind of karma.
The interesting thing about the “anatomy of karma” to me is that it gives a structure to the infinite mysteriousness of it in a way. It is soooooooooo vast and complex that it boggles the mind. Certain patterns have been moving and gaining momentum while others have been dying out for millions of years-WOW!
Douglas Brooks often talks about the concept of the entanglement theory saying that everything is intrinsically connected even if we can’t see the cause for any one effect because we all come from the same star dust.
When I see the structure of karma this way it reminds me of yoga. The personal karmas are not just your karmas..they are embedded sets of karmas that continually create more and more complex sets of karmas to infinity!
One thing I have never seen or heard of are the sets of lilas.
If there are sets of karmas then there MUST be sets of lilas as well..and if we placed the lila sets on the karma sets we may open up even more that it already a huge subject.
Hey Douglas…have you ever heard or thought about sets of lilas???
Hmmm…what do you think?

In a resent email Darren sent he quoted Lee Lozowick:

what we do with what is happening has nothing to do with karma. The way we are and the way we deal with things from our primal psychology, our behavior, is not karmic. We find ourselves in circumstances based on karma...karma defines the things that happen to us, but not the way we deal with what happens to us...'
from the book As It Is, M. Young

This statement is so stinking cool! This frees us from being a victim!!!!! Meaning that we can’t change what is offered in present moment-that is karma, but we can change it by how we choose to respond…hey now! This however is extremely difficult in some ways.
It is easier to let the momentum of karma carry us along than to shift it or create a new momentum. We have to want it more than anything for this to be possible when it involves really strong patterns. Like the levels of strength in karmas we also have to tap into the levels of strength in our own studentship. We also have to be willing to let go of arbitrary time frames.

Am I awake?

2009-04-30T04:16:00.000-07:00

Being the mom of a diabetic 4 year old has opened up new and intense avenues for my continuing sadhana. Spiritual practice was a breeze on many levels when I had the luxury of time and my own schedule. I could get up and do my asana practice for a few hours and meditate for as long as I wanted. Little did I know that those long hours of ecstatic practice were building up a kind of “spiritual interest” in the bank of the heart, that would be crucial for my survival through motherhood.
In the Siva Sutras, a beautiful Tantric text, there is much discussion of the 3 states of consciousness. The waking state, the dream state, and the deep sleep state or dreamless state of consciousness. There are many combinations of these states of consciousness as well, you can be awake, but dreaming( day dreaming), or you can be asleep dreaming and aware that you are dreaming (lucid dreaming).
Well just recently I had the experience of the merging of these states or maybe I should say the inability to discriminate between these states of consciousness. This altered state of awareness came after day 5 of very limited sleep mixed with a big dose of stress as I kept vigil over Liam’s extreme fluctuation in blood sugars during a recent illness.
I had the experience many times where the deep sleep state was merging with my waking state and dreamless state and I had no idea what the heck was going on…very scary by the way and I don’t recommend this! There were times I had NO idea what I had just done. I was ‘functioning’ in the deep sleep state and didn’t know it til I “woke up” back into normal waking consciousness. And realized I had no idea what I was just doing.
Then I had times where I didn’t know if I was dreaming or if I was awake.
Kind of like the old days of partaking in certain ‘organic substances’... “wait did I say that or did I just THINK I said that?..”
In a nut shell, this kind of weaving of states of awareness is quite disturbing when you have to function in a daily activity. We often experience these states of awareness sliding into each other and can watch them with some type of clarity like in meditation -we can see the difference between them, but when you are in an altered state like with sleep deprivation or illness, the line that defines these states is gone and let me tell ya, that is a boundary that you DON’T want to lose-trust me!
Who was AWARE that I was confused during those five days? Apparently there was some part of me that was fully aware of what state I was in at all times, and this is the all-pervading state of Turiya. It is the state that threads through all other states and was letting me know, “Hey Michelle, you were just in the sleeping state while driving- Danger Will Robinson!”
What do you do when these extreme circumstances arise? Who ya gonna call? YEAH that’s right, GHOST BUSTERS aka: the kula (your community)
That’s when good company and a great network of friends are the most precious gift you could receive. That Awareness gave me the clarity that I needed help and I knew who to trust and reach out to! I was lucky to have friends to reach out to who fed me and came in to pick up some slack while I got my feet firmly planted in the mundane awareness of the WAKING state!

what do you want to be when you grow up?

2009-04-28T11:26:00.000-07:00

After writing the last blog something hit me. I have always envied people who stuck to one vocation their whole life and really cultivated themselves in an area so fully. I think I have always given preference to this choice and thought this was something I should be doing or striving for. Perhaps some of that came from a social bhav or feeling I grew up with.(Hmmm.. an attainment model) It has taken my whole life to get to a point where I am not judging that part of me that continues to move on. I used to label it as flakey, attention deficit, (to use a really popular over used label), or maybe I just didn’t know what I wanted. Now I see that the ONE constant in my life has been the path of change and perhaps that is one of the many reasons I was so drawn to certain Tantric schools of philosophy.
Looking back I see that staying with something for awhile and then trusting some quiet inner voice ,or sometimes a loud ear-splitting siren that pushed me in a different direction, has been my path. I remember as a teenager feeling so overwhelmed because so many of my class mates seemed to have an idea of what they wanted to BE when they grew up (there is that attainment again). I however, loved so many things. I loved studying languages, anatomy, all the arts, and music, and clearly philosophy. How was I going to choose? My parents pushed me away from pursuing music as a serious career choice. “You’ll never make a living,” they said. That seemed to make things worse inside my own judging, squirrel of an un-yoked teenage mind, “GREAT, I thought, now at 16, I have to be concerned with making a living-good grief!” I tried so hard to push myself to fit into one mold and yet the nature of the infinite possibilities, kept me swimming and often drowning in the current.
In the end I was luckier than most in many ways as I had a very well rounded education from an educational system that still believed that pursuing the arts was just as, or even more important than football. I was “allowed” to get a BFA in Fine Arts only after I had received a 2 year associates (in more important studies like computer programming).
After I graduated I even got to pursue a short-lived music fantasy and started my own rock band and played all over Philly and New York and made a CD. Then after years of late nights and second hand smoke, I put my electric guitar on the stand for a more suitable living (Ok Mom you were right).
Looking back I am grateful for not knowing what I wanted to be when I grew up. I guess the truth is that I haven’t changed much. I still have multiple interests. Does being a yoga teacher count as a real job? –Ha. I still am playing with and cultivating many of the skills I began with years ago. I love the process of steeping in the learning process, I love the vastness of what the world holds, knowing I will never be able to get even a tiny seed of what is out there and in there.
It reminds me of something Douglas Brooks talks about. Instead of just stepping into the current or being dragged by the current of life’s unfolding, we also have the choice to become the current. I can step into the reality and become the reality of constant change. So, are we there yet? I hope I never am.

enlightenment

2009-04-22T15:22:00.000-07:00

I was reading Douglas Brooks blog the other day about the idea of revelation after I had just finished teaching an Advanced Intensive at Prasad Yoga on the tantric text the Pratabhijna Hrdayam -The Heart of Recognition.
here's a clip:

“To consider that our mortal embodiment is not only yoga's goal but also the very revelation we seek means we needn't quest for an extrinsic source, wait for the guru's grace or receive it from prophet or prophecy, the burning bush or last word that will provide the missing piece, the essential understanding. We can venture into worlds of awareness and experimentation, inside and out, without having to reach transcendence or finality, a perfectly imperfect sojourn. What we seek is right before us and as the famous Ganesha story suggests, there's no race that doesn't end where we might just as well have begun.”
dbrk

In reading Tantric texts like the Heart of Recognition, the word "attainment" is used many times. This can sound like there is a fixed state..like if you get this you will be living in the "perfect" I-Consciousness and that is the point.
However, attainment means accomplishment, or achievement and I don't think of that as being a fixed state. Even to Obtain or to come into possession of some other state of awareness seems like something that is pointing toward a threshold that has been crossed over, not necessarily into a static state of Bliss or One-ness vision. It simply may be that once you have crossed that threshold it informs your way of being in the world and experiencing your world in a completely new way.
Even if "knowing" from experience that the 'The Self is everything' once you have crossed that threshold..you crossed it. Like once you learned the aphabet you knew it- NEXT.

So let's say 'Shiva vision'-to see as Shiva sees- is an experience you have, great- then what?
I mean how could that be it, meaning every accomplishment (attainment ) we make is just another expereince in the infinite sea of experience.

I have been in the company of great beings that are clearly living in a much bigger world of experience on many subtle levels than I am, and I feel the power of their wisdom or energy. It is so palpable it is like walking through water. I know I am not experiencing the same thing they are - not that we can ever really experience exactly what another is, but you know what I mean? Like the first time I heard of Inner Spiral-what the heck is this? Even after I saw John Friend demonstrate it and explain it again and again I still didn't get it -until I did. When I crossed that threshold, the getting it wasn't static, it was just a threshold of knowing that now continues to expand.
There have been many times when people I know have crossed a threshold and they told me, when you cross it you will know..there are certain things they can share of course that may some have in common, like for women when you are pregnant you may feel like x,y, and z, although everyone’s specific experience is slightly different, still before you are pregnant you are not and can’t really understand what it would really be like until you are.

When I read these Tantric scriptures I am reminded that I am NOT JUST this body, I am not JUST held captive to my limited self assessments, that is not the only reality.
So what would you call the growth and broadening perspectives and experiences that comes from this? Wisdom? Is it education? Is that life experience? Is it enlightenment-(meaning experiencing the "light within"-light bulb moments?)
All I know is that now I have a much different experience of myself than I did when say I was 15, or even last year for that matter.
I agree that enlightenment isn't a state that is fixed, still there is a definite "I was here in my understanding and now I am somewhere very different- sometimes so radically different that it is hard to remember what it used to be like before that big shift in understanding.